Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she
had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by
love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible
fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this
dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the
highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.
(laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush)
(Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While
in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre.)
(Night - Near Shrek's home) Man1: Think it's in there? Man2: All
right. Let's get it! Man1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do
to you? Man3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. (Shrek sneaks
up behind them and laughs.) Shrek: Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin. Men: No! Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly
from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Man1: Back! Back, beast!
Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) (Shrek calmly licks his fingers
and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very
loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.) Shrek: This is the part where you run away. (The men
scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece
of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper
over his shoulder.)
(The Next Day) (There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of
the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to
him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who
is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer
who is carrying the three little pigs.) Guard: All right. This one's full.
Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! Head Guard: Next! Guard:
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half) Head Guard: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
Guard: Get up! Come on! Head Guard: Twenty pieces. Little Bear:
(crying) This cage is too small. Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll
never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Old
Woman: Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) Donkey: Oh! Head Guard: Next! What
have you got? Gipetto: This little wooden puppet. Pinocchio: I'm not a
puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) Head Guard: Five shillings for the
possessed toy. Take it away. Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do
this! Help me! (Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps
up to the table.) Head Guard: Next! What have you got? Old Woman: Well,
I've got a talking donkey. Head Guard: Right. Well, that's good for ten
shillings, if you can prove it. Old Woman: Oh, go ahead, little fella.
(Donkey just looks up at her.) Head Guard: Well? Old Woman: Oh, oh,
he's just…he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you
boneheaded dolt… Head Guard: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! Old
Woman: No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Head Guard: Get her out of
my sight. Old Woman: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (The guards grab
the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks
Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He
gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly.) Donkey: Hey! I can
fly! Peter Pan: He can fly! 3 Little Pigs: He can fly! Head Guard:
He can talk! Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking
donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you
ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off)
Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) (He hits the ground with a thud.)
Head Guard: Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! Guards:
He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! (Donkey keeps running and he
eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into
him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the
path. He quickly hides behind Shrek.) Head Guard: You there. Ogre!
Shrek: Aye? Head Guard: By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to
place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement
facility. Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? (He looks behind the
guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run
off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his
business and begins walking back to his cottage.) Donkey: Can I say
something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.
Incredible! Shrek: Are you talkin' to…(he turns around and Donkey is gone)
me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!
Donkey: Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was
great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you
showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods.
That really made me feel good to see that. Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.
Donkey: Man, it's good to be free. Shrek: Now, why don't you go
celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? Donkey: But, uh, I don't
have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I
got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine.
Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. (Shrek turns
and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly.) Donkey: Oh,
wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic
Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my
nose, just like the time…(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk,
so Shrek removes his hand.) …then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases
leaking out of my butt that day. Shrek: Why are you following me?
Donkey: I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one
here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you
gotta have faith… Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any
friends. Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Donkey:
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh …really tall? Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You
know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? Donkey:
Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, really. Shrek: Oh. Donkey:
Man, I like you. What's you name? Shrek: Uh, Shrek. Donkey: Shrek? Well,
you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of
I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek.
You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa!
Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? Shrek: That would be my
home. Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a
decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that
boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another
thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face.
You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward
silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? Shrek: Uh, what? Donkey:
Can I stay with you, please? Shrek: (sarcastically) Of course! Donkey:
Really? Shrek: No. Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You
don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at
Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let
me stay! Please! Please! Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only. Donkey:
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) Shrek: What are you…? (Donkey
hops up onto a chair.) No! No! Donkey: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. Shrek:
Oh! Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek: (irritated) Outside!
Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you
don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night.
(Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I
was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone…there's no one here beside me…
(Shrek's Cottage - Night) (Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits
himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he
hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.) Shrek: (to Donkey) I thought I
told you to stay outside. Donkey: (from the window) I am outside. (There
is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees
several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table.)
Blind Mouse1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do
we have? Blind Mouse2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine. Gordo:
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. Shrek: Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but
it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) Gordo: I found some cheese. (bites
Shrek's ear) Shrek: Ow! Gordo: Blah! Awful stuff. Blind Mouse1: Is
that you, Gordo? Gordo: How did you know? Shrek: Enough! (he grabs the 3
mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops
the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the
table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Dwarf: Where are we
supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Shrek: Huh? (Shrek marches over to
the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed.
The wolf just looks at him.) Big Bad Wolf: What?
(Time Lapse) (Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is
dragging him to the front door.) Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs.
I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale
Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! (The 3 bears sit around the
fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him,
some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can
land…etc.) Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone
falls silent.) (Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.) Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on!
Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the
house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh!
(turns to look at Donkey) Donkey: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them. Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us. Shrek: What?
Pinocchio: We were forced to come here. Shrek: (flabbergasted) By who?
Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he…signed an eviction
notice. Shrek: (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
(Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.) Donkey: Oh, I
do. I know where he is. Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him?
Anyone at all? Donkey: Me! Me! Shrek: Anyone? Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick
me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! Shrek: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all
fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me. Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it! Donkey: (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me,
Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. Shrek: What did I say about
singing? Donkey: Can I whistle? Shrek: No. Donkey: Can I hum it?
Shrek: All right, hum it. (Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.)
(DuLoc - Kitchen) (A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man.
He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.)
Farquaad: That's enough. He's ready to talk. (The Gingerbread Man is
pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as
he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it
goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.)
Farquaad: (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run,
run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.
Gingerbread Man: You are a monster. Farquaad: I'm not the monster here.
You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.
Now, tell me! Where are the others? Gingerbread Man: Eat me! (He spits milk
into Farquaad's eye.) Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now
my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll…(he makes as if to pull off the
Gingerbread Man's buttons) Gingerbread Man: No, no, not the buttons. Not my
gumdrop buttons. Farquaad: All right then. Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingerbread Man: The muffin man. Farquaad:
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? Gingerbread Man: Well,
she's married to the muffin man. Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingerbread
Man: The muffin man! Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man. (The
door opens and the Head Guard walks in.) Head Guard: My lord! We found it.
Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. (More guards enter
carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and
remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror.) Gingerbread Man: (in awe) Ohhhh…
Farquaad: Magic mirror… Gingerbread Man: Don't tell him anything!
(Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No!
Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect
kingdom of them all? Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.
Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it
with his fist.) You were saying? Mirror: What I mean is you're not a king
yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
Farquaad: Go on. Mirror: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and
relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible
bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused
shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime.
Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please
welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a
cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other
men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live
wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White)
And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead
from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that
cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in
the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess
Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
bachelorette number three? Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
Farquaad: Three? One? Three? Thelonius: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick
number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three! Mirror:
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. Farquaad: Princess Fiona. She's
perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go… Mirror: But I
probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Farquaad:
I'll do it. Mirror: Yes, but after sunset… Farquaad: Silence! I will make
this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!
Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles
evilly)
(DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section) (Shrek and Donkey come out of
the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40
stories high.) Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I
told ya I'd find it. Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place. Shrek: Do you think maybe he's
compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get
the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) Donkey: Hey, wait.
Wait up, Shrek. Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Shrek: Hey, you!
(The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to
get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I
just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)
(DuLoc) (They look around but all is quiet.) Shrek: It's quiet. Too
quiet. Where is everybody? Donkey: Hey, look at this! (Donkey runs over
and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music
winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside
and they begin to sing.) Wooden People: Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect
town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves,
stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please
keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc
is DuLoc is perfect place. (Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's
picture.) Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and
pull the lever again) Shrek: (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No.
No. No, no, no! No. (They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the
arena.) Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the
land. Today one of you shall prove himself… (As Shrek and Donkey walk down
the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.)
Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
Donkey: Sorry about that. Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from
the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the
first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die,
but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin!
(He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! Shrek: (turns to look at
Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.
Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be
named champion! Have it him! Men: Get him! Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on!
Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) Crowd: Go
ahead! Get him! Shrek: (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this
over a pint? Crowd: Kill the beast! Shrek: No? All right then. (drinks
the beer) Come on! (He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large
barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men
and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks
up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up
onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to
roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting
going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks
butt.) Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! (Shrek comes over and bangs a
man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the
crowd.) Shrek: Yeah! (A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek
turns in time and sees him.) Woman: The chair! Give him the chair!
(Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down.
Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the
match. The audience goes wild.) Shrek: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank
you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) (The
laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek.) Head
Guard: Shall I give the order, sir? Farquaad: No, I have a better idea.
People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! Shrek: What? Farquaad:
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest. Shrek: Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
Farquaad: Your swamp? Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures! Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a
deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Shrek:
Exactly the way it was? Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
Shrek: And the squatters? Farquaad: As good as gone. Shrek: What
kind of quest?
(Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading
away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.) Donkey: Let me get this
straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad
will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full
of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: You know, maybe
there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. Donkey: I don't get it. Why
don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to
his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and
put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you? Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he
holds out his onion) Donkey: (sniffs the onion) They stink? Shrek: Yes -
- No! Donkey: They make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: You leave them
in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek:
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get
it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) Donkey:
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not
everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a
person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no
parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. Shrek: No! You dense, irritating,
miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya
later. Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn
planet. Shrek: You know, I think I preferred your humming. Donkey: Do
you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me
start slobbering. (They head off. There is a montage of their journey.
Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey
pees on the fire to put it out.)
(Dragon's Keep) (Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's
supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.)
Donkey: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before
you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. Shrek: Believe me,
Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting
close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the
brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no
stone neither. (They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down.
There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle
is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding.) Shrek:
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs…then the laugh turns
into a groan) Donkey: Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have
layers? Shrek: Oh, aye. Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves. Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. Donkey: You
know what I mean. Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge
over a boiling like of lava! Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time. Donkey: Really? Shrek: Really, really.
Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Shrek: Just keep
moving. And don't look down. Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! Shrek: But you're already
halfway. Donkey: But I know that half is safe! Shrek: Okay, fine. I
don't have time for this. You go back. Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait! Shrek:
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge) Donkey: Don't do that! Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?
(bounces the bridge again) Donkey: Yes, that! Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it.
Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)
Donkey: No, Shrek! No! Stop it! Shrek: You said do it! I'm doin' it.
Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto
solid ground) Oh! Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the
castle) Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck
anyway? Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) Donkey:
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
(Inside the Castle) Donkey: You afraid? Shrek: No. Donkey:
But… Shrek: Shh. Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and
gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it
sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck
ain't no coward. I know that. Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I
thought we was lookin' for the princess. Shrek: (putting on a helmet) The
princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: What makes you think she'll be there? Shrek: I read it in a book
once. (walks off) Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the
stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't
know which way they're goin'. (walks off)
(Empty Room) (Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around
the room.) Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't
mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a
step right here. I'd step all over it.
(Elsewhere) (Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.)
Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's
the… Donkey: (os) Dragon! (Donkey gasps and takes off running as the
dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the
dragon breathes fire.) Shrek: Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of
the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! (The dragon gets irritated at this
and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through
the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.) Donkey: Oh! Aah! Aah! (Donkey get cornered as the Dragon
knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on.) Donkey: No. Oh, no,
No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean
white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food,
but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I
detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a
girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just
reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him)
What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd
really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh…(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the
shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know
if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
(Fiona's Room) (Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is
to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then
quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She
then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her.
He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by
the shoulders and shakes her away.) Fiona: Oh! Oh! Shrek: Wake up!
Fiona: What? Shrek: Are you Princess Fiona? Fiona: I am, awaiting a
knight so bold as to rescue me. Shrek: Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
Fiona: But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be
a wonderful, romantic moment? Shrek: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out
yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Shrek: You've had a
lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Fiona: (smiles) Mm-hmm. (Shrek
breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway.) Fiona:
But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! Shrek: I don't think so.
Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion? Shrek: Uh, Shrek.
Fiona: Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that
you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Shrek: Thanks! (Suddenly
they hear the dragon roar.) Fiona: (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
Shrek: It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags
Fiona behind him.) Fiona: But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in,
sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. Shrek:
Yeah, right before they burst into flame. Fiona: That's not the point.
(Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads
for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over
there. Shrek: Well, I have to save my ass. Fiona: What kind of knight
are you? Shrek: One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room)
Donkey: (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to
get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned.
(laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking
for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time.
We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the
road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - -
Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it
off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No
way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! (Shrek grabs a chain that's
connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he
swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the
dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the
dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the
chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over
her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and
Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs
Princess Fiona as he runs past her.) Donkey: Hi, Princess! Fiona: It
talks! Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. (They
all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide
and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek
right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he
stumbles off and walks lightly.) Shrek: Oh! (Shrek gets them close to
the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.) Shrek: Okay, you two, heard for
the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Shrek grabs a sword and heads back
toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several
overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is
still around the dragons neck.) Shrek: (echoing) Run! (They all take off
running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge
and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They
all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are
swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the
dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the
chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them.
Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad
whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.)
Fiona: (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me!
You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're
wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into
Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is
pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a
brave knight be without his noble steed? Donkey: I hope you heard that. She
called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. Fiona: The battle is won.
You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Shrek: Uh, no. Fiona: Why
not? Shrek: I have helmet hair. Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the
face of my rescuer. Shrek: No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. Fiona: But how
will you kiss me? Shrek: What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job
description. Donkey: Maybe it's a perk. Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you
must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is
rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.
Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is
you true love? Fiona: Well, yes. (Both Donkey and Shrek burst out
laughing.) Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love! Fiona: What is so
funny?
Shrek: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course,
you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. Shrek: Look. I
really don't think this is a good idea. Fiona: Just take off the helmet.
Shrek: I'm not going to. Fiona: Take it off. Shrek: No! Fiona:
Now! Shrek: Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his
helmet) Fiona: You- - You're a- - an ogre. Shrek: Oh, you were expecting
Prince Charming. Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong.
You're not supposed to be an ogre. Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you
by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. Fiona: Then
why didn't he come rescue me? Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there. Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by
some ogre and his- - his pet. Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed.
Shrek: You're not making my job any easier. Fiona: I'm sorry, but your
job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me
properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's
messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up
and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) Fiona: You
wouldn't dare. Put me down! Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey? Donkey: I'm right
behind ya. Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is
not dignified! Put me down!
(Woods) (A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.) Donkey: Okay, so here's another
question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like
her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but
you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? Fiona: You just tell her she's
not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your…(Shrek drops
her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. Donkey:
You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! Fiona: And what of my
groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? Shrek: Let me put it this way,
Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh)
(Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and
grime.) Donkey: I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they
laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can
never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. Shrek: Yeah, well,
maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see
him tomorrow. Fiona: (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that
long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? Shrek: No, that'll take longer. We can
keep going. Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods. Donkey: Whoa! Time
out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier
than anything we're going to see in this forest. Fiona: I need to find
somewhere to camp now! (Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink
away from her.)
(Mountain Cliff) (Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good
order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.) Shrek:
Hey! Over here. Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think
this is fit for a princess. Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few
homey touches. Shrek: Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise
and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) Fiona: A door?
Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark
door up behind her) Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
Fiona: (os) I said good night! (Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and
then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with
Fiona still inside.) Donkey: Shrek, What are you doing? Shrek: (laughs)
I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
(Later that Night) (Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire.
They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.) Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to
ever spit over three wheat fields. Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my
future from these stars? Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what
he's famous for. Donkey: I know you're making this up. Shrek: No, look.
There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. Shrek: You know,
Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. Donkey:
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
Shrek: Our swamp? Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the
princess. Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just
me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my
land. Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You
know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody
out. Shrek: No, do ya think? Donkey: Are you hidin' something?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey. Donkey: Oh, this is another one of those
onion things, isn't it? Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it
alone things. Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it? Shrek: Why do
you want to talk about it? Donkey: Why are you blocking? Shrek: I'm not
blocking. Donkey: Oh, yes, you are. Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.
Donkey: Who you trying to keep out? Shrek: Everyone! Okay? Donkey:
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) (At this point Fiona pulls
the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys
see her.) Shrek: Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the
edge of the cliff and sits down) Donkey: What's your problem? What you got
against the whole world anyway? Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the
problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take
one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me
before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. Donkey: You know
what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know. Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. Donkey: Okay,
okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? (Fiona
puts the door back.) Shrek: That's the moon. Donkey: Oh, okay.
(DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom) (The camera pans over a lot of wedding
stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the
Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.) Farquaad: Again, show me again.
Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Mirror: Hmph. (The
Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.) Farquaad: Ah.
Perfect. (Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to
cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image
in the mirror.)
(Morning) (Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and
Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a
blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher
and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the
pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little
sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is
now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek
wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep.) Donkey:
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like
it. Shrek: Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) Donkey: Huh? What? Shrek:
Wake up. Donkey: What? (stretches and yawns) Fiona: Good morning. Hm,
how do you like your eggs? Donkey: Oh, good morning, Princess! (Fiona
gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.) Shrek: What's all this
about? Fiona: You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I
wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Shrek:
Uh, thanks. (Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.) Fiona: Well,
eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off)
(Later) (They are once again on their way. They are walking through
the forest. Shrek belches.) Donkey: Shrek! Shrek: What? It's a
compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) Donkey: Well, it's no
way to behave in front of a princess. (Fiona belches) Fiona: Thanks.
Donkey: She's as nasty as you are. Shrek: (chuckles) You know, you're
not exactly what I expected. Fiona: Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them. (She smiles and then continues walking, singing
softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
a tree.) Robin Hood: La liberte! Hey! Shrek: Princess! Fiona: (to
Robin Hood) What are you doing? Robin Hood: Be still, mon cherie, for I am
you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green…(kisses up her arm while Fiona
pulls back in disgust)…beast. Shrek: Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
own! Robin Hood: Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
Fiona: (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
Robin Hood: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh,
Merry Men. (laughs) (Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men
pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.) Merry Men:
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. Robin Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the
needy. Merry Men: He takes a wee percentage, Robin Hood: But I'm not
greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. Merry Men: What a guy,
Monsieur Hood. Robin Hood: Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy
little maid… Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to
get… Robin Hood: Paid. So…When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush.
That's bad. Merry Men: That's bad. Robin Hood: When a beauty's with a
beast it makes me awfully mad. Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad.
Robin Hood: I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes
on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start… (There is a grunt as Fiona swings down
from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious.) Fiona: Man, that was
annoying! (Shrek looks at her in admiration.) Merry Man: Oh, you little-
- (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) (The arrow flies
toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow
proceeds to just bounce off a tree.) (Another fight sequence begins and
Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry
Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins
walking away.) Fiona: Uh, shall we? Shrek: Hold the phone. (drops Donkey
and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did
that come from? Fiona: What? Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that? Fiona: Well…(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one
has to learn these things in case there's a…(gasps and points) there's an arrow
in your butt! Shrek: What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he
goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) Fiona: Oh, no. This is
all my fault. I'm so sorry. Donkey: (walking up) Why? What's wrong?
Fiona: Shrek's hurt. Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's
gonna die. Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay. Donkey: You can't do this to me,
Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and
cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want
to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.
Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! Shrek
& Fiona: Donkey! Donkey: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs
off) Shrek: What are the flowers for? Fiona: (like it's obvious) For
getting rid of Donkey. Shrek: Ah. Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll
yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) Shrek: (jumps away) Ow!
Hey! Easy with the yankin'. (As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going
after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands.) Fiona: I'm sorry, but it
has to come out. Shrek: No, it's tender. Fiona: Now, hold on. Shrek:
What you're doing is the opposite of help. Fiona: Don't move. Shrek:
Look, time out. Fiona: Would you…(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her
face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do?
(Elsewhere) (Donkey is still looking for the special flower.)
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red
thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red
thorns. Shrek: (os) Ow! Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns)
(The Forest Path) Shrek: Ow! Not good. Fiona: Okay. Okay. I can
nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about… Shrek: Ow!
Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) Donkey:
Ahem. Shrek: (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh -
- Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was
just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow! Donkey: Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's…is that blood? (Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as
they continue on their way.)
(There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek
crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that
Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the
tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off.
Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby
spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around
to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a
treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing
it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing
it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.)
(Windmill) Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
Fiona: That's DuLoc? Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord
Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a
really…(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! Shrek: Um, I, uh- - I guess we better
move on. Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.
Shrek: What? Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.
Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine. Fiona: (kneels to look him
in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're
on your back. (pause) Dead. Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do
you want to sit down? Fiona: Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and
when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until
his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us
some dinner. Fiona: I'll get the firewood. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?
Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I
think I need a hug.
(Sunset) (Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner
while Fiona eats.) Fiona: Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is
this? Shrek: Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. Fiona: No kidding. Well,
this is delicious. Shrek: Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't
mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) (Fiona looks at
DuLoc and sighs.) Fiona: I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night. Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime.
I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you
name it. Fiona: (smiles) I'd like that. (They smiles at each other.)
Shrek: Um, Princess? Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I, um, I was
wondering…are you…(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? Donkey: (chuckles) Man,
isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. Fiona: (jumps up) Sunset? Oh,
no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. Shrek: What? Donkey: Wait a
minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too,
until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. (Shrek sighs)
Fiona: Good night. Shrek: Good night. (Fiona goes inside the
windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.) Donkey:
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin'
about? Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got
instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.
Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Donkey: Oh,
come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how
you feel. Shrek: I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell
her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a
princess, and I'm - - Donkey: An ogre? Shrek: Yeah. An ogre. Donkey:
Hey, where you goin'? Shrek: To get... move firewood. (sighs) (Donkey
looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.)
(Time Lapse) (Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in.
Fiona is nowhere to be seen.) Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
where are you? Princess? (Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we
can't see her.) Donkey: It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
(Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look
like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out.)
Donkey: Aah! Fiona: Oh, no! Donkey: No, help! Fiona: Shh!
Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.
Donkey: What did you do with the princess? Fiona: Donkey, I'm the
princess. Donkey: Aah! Fiona: It's me, in this body. Donkey: Oh, my
God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? Fiona: Donkey!
Donkey: (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you
out of there! Fiona: No! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: Shh.
Donkey: Shrek! Fiona: This is me. (Donkey looks into her eyes as she
pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.) Donkey: Princess? What happened to
you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. Fiona: I'm ugly, okay? Donkey: Well,
yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea.
You are what you eat, I said. Now - - Fiona: No. I - - I've been this way as
long as I can remember. Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen
you like this before. Fiona: It only happens when sun goes down. "By night
one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's
first kiss... and then take love's true form." Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful.
I didn't know you wrote poetry. Fiona: It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a
little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This
horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love
would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the
sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) Donkey: All right, all
right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't
gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly
24-7. Fiona: But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is
meant to look. Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?
Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. Donkey:
But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in
common. Fiona: Shrek?
(Outside) (Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in
his hand.) Shrek: (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of
all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you
because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you
might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh,
uh…(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. (He walks up to the door and
pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.) Fiona: (os) I can't
just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who
can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go
together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. (Shrek steps back in
shock.) Fiona: (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
true love. (Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away.)
(Inside) Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be.
It's the only way to break the spell. Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek
the truth. Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise! Donkey: All right, all right. I
won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over,
I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
(Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and
spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.)
(Morning) (Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is
still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.) Fiona: I tell him,
I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the
door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want…(she looks and
sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.)
(Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her.)
Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right? Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.
Fiona: I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. Shrek:
You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
Fiona: You heard what I said? Shrek: Every word. Fiona: I thought
you'd understand. Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a
hideous, ugly beast?" Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her
and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a
little something. (Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks
very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3
feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.) Donkey:
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey. Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Shrek: As
promised. Now hand it over. Farquaad: Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of
paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I
change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you,
but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm
Lord Farquaad. Fiona: Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his
fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as
Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her
waist.) farewell. Farquaad: Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste
good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. Fiona: No, you're
right. It doesn't. (Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his
face.) Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your
hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - Farquaad:
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! Fiona:
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.
Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better.
There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list.
Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse)
Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre. (Farquaad's whole party begins to head back
to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.) Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're
letting her get away. Shrek: Yeah? So what? Donkey: Shrek, there's
something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - -
Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?
Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?
Donkey: Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. Shrek: I told you, didn't I?
You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else!
Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
Donkey: But I thought - - Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off) Donkey: Shrek.
(Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being
fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek
cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.)
(Shrek's Home) (Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside.
He goes outside to investigate.) Shrek: Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and
continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? Donkey: I would think,
of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Shrek: Well,
yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. Donkey:
It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. Shrek:
Oh! Your half. Hmm. Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I
did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one
that looks like your head. Shrek: Back off! Donkey: No, you back off.
Shrek: This is my swamp! Donkey: Our swamp. Shrek: (grabs the tree
branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! Donkey: You let go.
Shrek: Stubborn jackass! Donkey: Smelly ogre. Shrek: Fine! (drops
the tree branch and walks away) Donkey: Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not
through with you yet. Shrek: Well, I'm through with you. Donkey: Uh-uh.
You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my
turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me
and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or
pushing me away. Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come
you came back? Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each
other! Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin'
me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) Donkey: Ohh!
You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.
Shrek: (os) Go away! Donkey: There you are , doing it again just like
you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. Shrek:
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you
talking. Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh,
somebody else. Shrek: (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking
about me? Well, then who was she talking about? Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I
ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? Shrek:
Donkey! Donkey: No! Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm
sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Shrek: Right. Friends?
Donkey: Friends. Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me? Donkey:
What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? Shrek: The
wedding! We'll never make it in time. Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for
where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) (Suddenly
the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on.)
Shrek: Donkey? Donkey: I guess it's just my animal magnetism. (They
both laugh.) Shrek: Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) Donkey:
All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat
belts yet. (They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.)
(DuLoc - Church) (Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole
town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered
Silence'.) Priest: People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to
the union.... Fiona: (eyeing the setting sun) Um- Priest: …of our new
king… Fiona: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I
do's"? Farquaad: (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona)
Go on.
(Courtyard) (Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon
lands with a boom. The guards all take off running.) Donkey: (to Dragon) Go
ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods
and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this
right, don't you? Shrek: (at the Church door) What are you talking about?
Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak
now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" Shrek: I
don't have time for this! Donkey: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to
me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: You wanna
hold her? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Please her? Shrek: Yes! Donkey:
(singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! Shrek: All right! Cut it out.
When does this guy say the line? Donkey: We gotta check it out.
(Inside Church) (As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through
one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.) Priest: And so, by
the power vested in me… (Outside) Shrek: What do you see? Donkey: The
whole town's in there. (Inside) Priest: I now pronounce you husband and
wife… (Outside) Donkey: They're at the altar. (Inside) Priest:
…king and queen. (Outside) Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete! (He runs inside without catching
Donkey, who hits the ground hard.)
(Inside Church) Shrek: (running toward the alter) I object!
Fiona: Shrek? (The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.)
Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want? Shrek: (to congregation as he
reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I
love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. Fiona: What are you doing here?
Shrek: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but
showing up uninvited to a wedding… Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll
excuse me - - Shrek: But you can't marry him. Fiona: And why not?
Shrek: Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.
Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. Shrek: He's not your
true love. Fiona: And what do you know about true love? Shrek: Well, I -
- Uh - - I mean - - Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in
love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) (The prompter card guy holds
up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs.) Farquaad: An
ogre and a princess! Fiona: Shrek, is this true? Farquaad: Who cares?
It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever
after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls
back.) Fiona: (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day
another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. (She backs up and as the
sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.)
Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) Farquaad: Ugh! It's
disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get
them! Get them both! (The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek
fights them.) Shrek: No, no! Fiona: Shrek! Farquaad: This
hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king!
See? See? Fiona: No, let go of me! Shrek! Shrek: No! Farquaad: Don't
just stand there, you morons. Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and
quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! Fiona: No, Shrek! Farquaad:
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife… Shrek: Fiona!
Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!
I'm king! (Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.) Farquaad:
I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the
dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to
use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! (The dragon belches
and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.)
Donkey: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? (The congregation
cheers.) Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek. Shrek: Uh, Fiona? Fiona: Yes,
Shrek? Shrek: I - - I love you. Fiona: Really? Shrek: Really,
really. Fiona: (smiles) I love you too. (Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius
takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the
congregation.) Congregation: Aawww! (Suddenly the magic of the spell
pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the
magic works around her.) Whispers: "Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form."
(Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is
slowly lowered to the ground.) Shrek: (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
you all right? Fiona: (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I
don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. Shrek: But you ARE
beautiful. (They smile at each other.) Donkey: (chuckles) I was hoping
this would be a happy ending. (Shrek and Fiona kiss…and the kiss fades
into…)
(The Swamp) (…their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married.
'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona
break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made
of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White
try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches
the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has
one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest
of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song.) Gingerbread
Man: God bless us, every one. Donkey: (as he's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
(THE END)
(Extended Ending) Shrek: Hi everyone! Welcome to the Shrek in the
Swamp Kerioke Dance Party. I'm gonna take things down now with one of my
favorites. (singing) Don't go changing to try and please me. You've never let me
down before. Mmmm… (Cut to Fiona singing Madonna style in her wedding dress)
Fiona: (singing) I made it through the wilderness. Somehow I made it
through. I didn't know how lost I was until I found you. (Cut to Donkey
singing with Dragon dancing in the background.) Donkey: (singing) I like big
butts and I cannot lie. You other brother's can't deny. When a girl walks in
with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get… Thelonious:
(singing) Feelings. Robin Hood & Merry Men: (singing) It's fun to stay
at the Y.M.C.A. It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. (laughs) (Cut to
Gingerbread Man with 3 Blind Mice singing backup.) Gingerbread Man: Do you
really want to hurt me? Oh, do you really want to make me cry? Farquaad: (in
Dragons stomach) Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive. Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Donkey: Break it down green girl! (Fiona does a drum break.)
Thelonious: (singing) I'm gonna have some (unintelligable) Gingerbread
Man: (singing) So that the dancers just can't hide. Magic Mirror:
(singing)…for people who only need a beat, yeah! Shrek: (singing) You might
like to hear my organ. Donkey: (singing) I said ride Sally, ride. Shrek
& Fiona: (singing) I can't see me loving nobody but you, for all my life.
Donkey: Dance to the music. Group: (half) So happy together! Group:
(other half) Dance to the music! (They continue singing and dancing until we
fade to black.) Donkey: Hey Pinocchio, you wanna watch that nose man!
(Laughs)
(END)
