"Twenty Great Quotes"

Never knock on Death's door; ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
Matt Frewer, as Dr. Mike Stratford in "Doctor, Doctor"

"Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression."
Faye Wattleton

"Sex relieves tension - love causes it."
Woody Allen

Being fired is nature's way to telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.
Hal Lancaster, in the Wall Street Journal

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
Gloria Steinem

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." 

W.C.Fields

"Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert - unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on - are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease." 
Colin Ward, Anarchy in Action

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

The only reason some people get lost in thought is that it is unfamiliar territory.  
Paul Fix

"Intelligent people know of what they speak; fools speak of what they know." 
Minchas Shabbos Pirkei Avos 3:18 / Ethics of the Fathers

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Steven Wright

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
Steven Wright

"OK, so what is the speed of dark?
Steven Wright

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
Richard Herman Jr.

Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by incompetence.
Robert J. Hanlon

"Meg confided that she wanted to be mummified in the manner of the ancient Egyptians. It was not until the screaming died down and the apartment was in total disarray that the thought occurred to me that she meant after she died."
David Gunter

Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse. (It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.)

Gerard Didier Erasmus

"Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)"
Anonymous

After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.
Spock, Amok Time," star date 3372.7

"The taste of low quality lingers long after the satisfaction of low price."
Anonymous